April in Hollywood

Susannah Stomping Diaries-12:51am 12/14/11

2011-12-14T00:49:00.000-08:00

Susannah, WHAT JUST HAPPENED in your place???? I thought the ceiling was going to cave in. Now I just hear what sounds like walking around. And a voice...Andi once told me when you guys get crazy you sometimes jump up and down on the floor and yell, "April B!!!!!" Is that what is happening?

Seriously, what are you doing right now?

12:51am

xo,

April B

Susannah's response:

"I read your post so I decided to say hi. My friend is over and we are walking about with wine."

My 2nd Grade Christmas Journal Entries

2011-12-10T11:43:00.000-08:00

Since Susannah is either not home or wearing slippers at the moment, here is more literary gold from my 2nd Grade journal.

Dec. 3 "Christmas is hear and I'm glad. I licke Christmas you get toys. But I like Christmas because it is Jesuses Birthday." (Jesus is spelled with a backwards "J")

Dec. 9 "Only 14 days until Christmas. I can't wait. Christmas Eve is here in only 14 days. I want a doll, unicorn, teddy bear, clothes, She-er Cristle. ("She-er Cristle" I think means "She-ra Castle." I did get it. But I'm still waiting for the Unicorn.

Dec. 11 "I smell Christmas smells and this is what I smell-chocolete, canndy can pie, and that is what I smell."

Suannah Stomping Diaries 12.9 #3

2011-12-09T14:02:00.001-08:00

We have an answer! Susannah just Facebooked me the following:

"Hahah i'm semi-dancing (can u hear the music? i've repeated this song about 9 times) and i'm getting dressed to have a friendly visit with my ATTORNEY ! -I'm also semi-organizing my stuff to babysit Eden tonight- I have witch above the ankle black boots on (forgive me)"

You are forgiven Sudah. Because I CAN hear your music, and I approve. xoxo

Susannah Stomping Diaries 12.9

2011-12-09T13:56:00.000-08:00

NOW what are you doing Susannah? My guess is hammering or marching?

The Susannah Stomping Diaries #1

2011-12-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

I love my upstairs neighbor, the fab Susannah "Sudah" Jones.

But Susannah is a stomper. Fortunately I really don't mind. She's asked me to call if it ever bothers me, but I never have because it really doesn't. But it DOES fascinate me. Most loud neighbors have a pattern. I can't figure out Susannah's. So because I have not been blogging much lately, and Susannah agreed to it, I am going to use this blog to figure out what the heck Susannah is doing!

12:45pm: Susannah, are you okay? It sounds like you fell over.

12:59pm: Okay, now it sounds like you are just walking around, so I guess you are okay.

More from my 2nd Grade self

2011-09-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

Because this is so much easier than making up something to blog about right now. And probably explains why I turned out to be a cat person:

I got a new dog. She jumpes up on people. But wen we got her she did not jumpe. Her name is menndy. She is a jermon shepered. She is still a puppey. But she dose not look like one.

Note: The illustration I drew is me running away from Mandy and yelling "Help Mom!"

Sucks to be a garbage can

2011-08-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

A more philosophical entry from the 2nd grade journal. This entry appears above a xeroxed drawing of a garbage can labeled "garbage can" and a cat peeking out from behind, which is glued to the page.

If I were a garbage can I would be graet use to the people in the city. I would hold great loads of trash. Every week men would take away the loads of garbage. I would hold tin cans, candy-wapers, old glass bodls, papars, and other things. I would be very smelly. Cats would get in me and eat old roten food. They also would nock the lid off of me. Nothing would be fun.

My teacher gave me a check mark, a smiley face, and wrote "very descriptive" on this one. I want to know if the other kids had to write about being garbage cans or if they got better pictures glued to their pages. And if they got smiley faces too. And why the teacher wanted me to think about what it was like to be a garbage can.

I was a literary child prodigy

2011-08-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

Just in case you have doubted my writing talent up to this point, check out this little gem from my 2nd grade journal (which I found while cleaning out boxes in my closet on orders from my Mother)

Once on a rainy spring day a small cat was running through the woods. Help! Help! she shouted. The big dog is chaseing me. A little squerle heard her and said climb my tree and come into my house. So the small cat climbed up and went into the squerles small hole in the tree safe and warm. Just then a big black dog walked by. He called to the squerle have you seen a small cat I lost her sent in this rain. Yes said the squerle she ran that way. the dog ran away. Oh thank you said the cat. But the squerle said wait. "come and live with me so the cat did later the some kittens were born. there in the hole the squerle and the cat raised there babys and lived there forever.

The End

A scary life and death chase! An unlikely friendship between species! Cat-Squirrel hybrid babies! Can you imagine the possibilities if I had just been able to spell "squirrel"???

If you're a boy you might want to skip this one....

2011-07-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

Because it is about going to the Lady Doctor. I don't know any ladies who don't dread this annual visit...here are my theories as to why:

First, 89% of the waiting room is really, really pregnant and I'm always terrified one of them will go into labor at any second.

Second, all the magazines have to do with parenting and babies, two subjects that still terrify me at this point in my life.

Third, no matter how many anti-anxiety meds I take beforehand, there is some sort of force that negates their effectiveness from the second I walk in the door.

Fourth, they weigh you.

After this trauma, you are asked to pee in a cup. WITH YOUR NAME ON IT. Then you have to walk out of the bathroom holding your clear pee-cup with your name on it, a walk of shame much more embarrassing than the college version.

You are then sometimes asked to tell the nurse what other prescription drugs you are taking, VERBALLY, and I would really prefer that the other three patients and five nurses within earshot not know this information.

After this, you are led to the room of ultimate humiliation and scariness. You are handed a smock that only comes down to your waist and instructed to undress completely and put it on "open side in front." To cover your other lady parts, there is simply a huge sheet resembling the largest paper towel ever to use as a blanket.

Did I mention it's always FREEZING in the room of ultimate humiliation and scariness?

Then....you wait. There are not even baby or parenting magazines to distract you, so all you have to do is try not to stare at the scary posters on the wall of female anatomy, STD pamphlets, and the frightening, unfamiliar, and extremely sharp metal objects that will soon be inserted up your vagina. I recommend mentally "going to your happy place" during this time, although I have never been able to achieve this myself.

Then your doctor comes in and makes small talk about the weather, your job, etc. and you try to answer without thinking about the fact that he/she is feeling up your breasts and sticking things inside of your stuff, aka, how you are basically being medically molested.

FINALLY it's over. You are allowed to dress and slink out, trying not to make eye contact with the next poor girl coming in as you are going out, or at least not look too traumatized. I always say a silent prayer for her, as I know exactly how she's feeling and what is in store for her. Poor soul.

Movin' on up

2011-07-22T04:14:00.000-07:00

Most of you probably already know this, but just in case, one of the more fascinating tidbits of my life (not really to me, but to other people it’s a definite “conversation starter”) is that I work as a body parts model. NO, not THOSE parts, dirty mind! Specifically, I started as a foot model, literally kicked my way into the world of leg modeling via a tampon commercial, and most recently my cute little hands are featured in an AT&T commercial, also featuring the band Blink 182 (of mid to late 90’s fame).

Life is funny. I spend a substantial amount of my time working on my acting career, yet this little body parts modeling thing has become quite lucrative, literally paying my bills the last year or so. So since I’ve gone from feet, to legs, to hands, and skipped all the unmentionables, perhaps someone would actually be interested in my FACE sometime in the near future? Eh, eh??? Any takers???? Not that I’m desperate or anything.

The people you meet at Starbucks (or on airplanes)

2011-06-11T10:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to Starbucks for a nice relaxing break with my triple mocha and a good book. Unfortunately for me, the only available seat was across from a Comic con-obsessed former hippie. I REALLY wanted to finish my book, but there's no way it could compete with this guy.

He told me his business mantra was "Artistic Conception to hard working action." Awesome. He also proceeded to unroll a 6 ft banner by a "world-famous muralist" and tell me all about the funding he had from many large companies to fund Comic Con murals all over the world, the real deal Comic con from the 70s, not that bullshit they do now.

He also told me that he is doing a documentary the behind-the-scenes documentary of comic con. A documentary within a documentary, if you will. And how he pulled himself up by his bootstraps to achieve this level of success. He asked what I did, and then offered me some of valuable nuggets of wisdom: I too, can achieve the same level of success if I write and produce instead of just acting, but only as long as I don't date producers or directors.

If this guy wrote a book, I would totally take it to Starbucks and read it.

I will haunt you if anyone does this to me

2011-05-09T13:04:00.000-07:00

Did you guys know that if you get cremated they will ship you through the mail?

I saw this woman in line at the post office mailing the ashes of her dearly beloved recently deceased. How did I know that's what she was mailing? Because they were in a ZIPLOCK BAG. Is that weird to anyone else?

Apparently that is the only way you're allowed to ship your dead relatives. Which seems a little creepy to me but I guess there's no getting around it sometimes, like, if you are shipping them to Europe (she was).

But in a ZIPLOCK BAG???? I find this disrespectful, disturbing, weird, etc. but I would have to invent a new adjective to fully describe just how much this freaks me out.

So just to put it out there, I prefer not to be creamated at all. But if someone allows this and then just pours me into a ziplock bag instead of the Tiffany crystal vase I deserve, I will make them pay dearly from the afterlife.

I WILL wear a costume to your party

2011-03-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

This weekend I got to dress up not ONCE, but TWICE!!! Friday was a masquerade party. I tried my darndest to pull off dressing up like a peacock while staying within the confines of "cocktail attire." Feel free to comment on how well you think I did...

Saturday was a double-party day, and one of them sort of had to do with St. Patrick's Day so I dressed up as....what else??? Holly Madison on a mission to seduce a leprechaun, of course. I asked my friends if it was too much. I'm not sure if they lied to me or not, but I wore those knee socks all day. There is no photographic evidence of this, but don't worry...I'm sure I''ll find an excuse to wear it again.

All of this to say...be forewarned: If you invite me to a party with any sort of theme, I will interpret it as a costume party and show up that way. Also, my apologies to all the celebs whose clothes I critique on this blog. Although, in my defense, paparrazzi don't follow me around and take pics of me when I'm dressed crazy.

Tootin' my horn

2011-02-28T00:31:00.000-08:00

You guys, March is going to be a pretty amazing month for me.

First, come to my graduation show from level 201 at Upright Citizens Brigade on March 13 at 1:3opm. Yes, I realize it's only level 201. Also, you should realize I have also attended your shows as well that may or may not have sucked. This show could be bad or amazing. My classmates are pretty dang funny. So, suck it up and come, and if you do I'll let you come to the party I'm throwing on the roof of Hollywood Tower for the class.

You should also come to my very first red carpet premier, "Head Over Spurs in Love" playing March 24 at 7 pm at the Majestic Theatre in Westwood. Let me know and I'll put you on the guest list. This is your only chance to see my honest reaction to a vibrator (but no, it's not that kind of movie!)

Also, my leg is in a tampon commercial. See my Facebook page.

xoxo,

April

Good Intentions...

2011-02-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

Me: Andi, my car won't start. Do you know anyone that has jumper cables?

Andi: No, sorry boo.

Me: God obviously doesn't want me at church this morning.

Andi: No, the DEVIL doesn't want you to go to church.

The Birds and the Bees...

2011-02-11T10:50:00.001-08:00

Someone seriously needs to have this conversation with Young Hollywood.

Why do so many celebs get knocked up? We live in an age where people have their choice of sophisticated birth control methods, and as expensive as some of them are, I'm pretty sure their SAG insurance will cover it.

"Accidents" do happen once in a while, but it just seems like these people are not trying very hard. Does anyone else still agree that it's a pretty good idea to get married or at least decide this person is your Life Partner before ETERNALLY linking yourself with significant-other-of-the-month by having a baby with them?

Case in Point: NATALIE PORTMAN, who felt the need to make sure we all knew exactly what happened during her Golden Globes acceptance speech, just in case anyone was still confused....others include: Angelina Jolie, Heidi Klum, Reese Witherspoon, Kate Hudson, Katie Holmes, Nicole Richie, Michelle Williams, Gwyneth Paltrow, and that model chick that had a baby with Matthew McConaughey.

I know these people have loads of money, can hire someone to raise the kid, and have big enough homes to just put it in another wing of the house entirely and be able to forget it even exists once they get bored with being a mom, but I still can't believe one could have such a blase attitude about being responsible for the creation of another human being.

Also, ladies, I hear having a baby totally ruins your figure and you can only fix so much with surgery. Even if a girl's moral compass is completely broken, surely THAT still matters????

Oh, Kelly, No

2011-02-07T11:21:00.000-08:00

When I heard that Kelly Osbourne was now hosting E!'s "Fashion Police" I thought it was a joke. But the girl has really worked through all the fashion issues that come from being Ozzy's offspring, and I must admit, she cleans up well. Well done Kelly. I'm a fan.

But this, Kelly, THIS:

This reminds me of when Courtney Love took a swing at classing it up a few years ago, and was sooooo close but missed it by a hairbrush and a badly placed lipstick swipe.

"Fashion Police" is an uber-catty show in which the hosts throw out combinations of the best of compliments and the worst insults you've ever heard about another human being's clothing choices, often in the same breath. If you have the balls to rip apart a couture gown worn by an Oscar-winning actress on national television, then frankly Kelly, you're going to have to look a lot better than this while you're doing it.

This particular shot is from the episode during which they critiqued the Golden Globes red carpet. That episode would have been WAY more entertaining if Joan Rivers had stopped in the middle of the show and announced they were now going to have an INTERVENTION with Kelly about puffed sleeves, proper fit, hair and makeup, how you should donate or burn ugly bridesmaid's dresses immediately after the wedding, and under no circumstances should they ever appear in public again, let alone on a nationally televised show.

But I'm still proud of your progress Kelly O. Keep it up!

Aunty April hosts a slumber party

2011-01-11T20:17:00.000-08:00

My 9 year old niece, her friend, and my 5 year old nephew came over to spend the night with "Aunty April" (yes, they really call me that...makes me sound 90, I know).

I began by bragging that I know people who know Saleena Gomez, Demi Lovato, and all the other stars of "Wizards of Waverly Place" and "Sonny with a Chance." Now I am faced with enormous pressure to produce autographed 8x10s of the stars next time I come home.

Next, I led them in a game of chase, ending in all four of us being chastised by my Mom for running in the house. We downgraded to hide-and-seek, but that didn't go much better.

I then thought it would be a good idea to make them ice-cream, which Mom insisted we eat in the kitchen. I also gave them second helpings. I now realize this means we'll be awake until 5 am.

We then went outside to check the snow and hosted a weather report for Pap and Mia, but not before my niece proceeded to leap 3 feet from our back porch into the ice/snow, and I nearly strangled my nephew in an effort to keep him from doing the same....

I also participated in a Barbie fashion show, a game of dominoes where you actually just build things, and then proceeded to give ALL of them makeovers, even my nephew, whom I know will hate me for that in 10 years.

I am now the coolest "aunty" ever, and even more convinced that I never want to babysit and will be a terrible mother.

Enough Weather-girl!!!

2011-01-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

Unless your cable is out because of it, I'm sure you are aware the that for the second time in less than a month, the South is in the throes of a pretty huge snowstorm. (My favorite nickmame for it so far is "Snowpacolypse 2011").

We're all pretty dang excited about it, especially me because living in SoCal I now see less snow than even before.

I'll admit we Southerners go a little crazy at the mention of snow...suddenly cleaning out the grocery of bread and milk, demanding the closure of school and work for any accumulation over an inch, etc. And because of this we take a lot of ribbing from our Yankee neighbors and Northern trasplants for our silly behavior.

But I have to say, I've been glued to the Weather Channel all day, and Weather-chick is getting under my skin right about now. She's simultaneously covering the "sledding" going on at Piedmont Park and mocking said sleds, which are actually pieces of cardboard, inner-tubes, sheets of plexiglass, and about anything else we can get our hands on that will send us flying down a snow-covered hill. In one of her more southern-moments she remarked she'd "never heard of such!" She also didn't understand why there weren't more snow plows out.

Listen lady. We are sledding down the hill with deflated pool floats because we don't HAVE sleds. We don't want to go to work because we don't know how to drive in the snow. Most of us have never even seen snow-chains or whatever the heck you put on your tires to drive around in this stuff. Our DOT doesn't have snow-plows either. BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SNOW HERE!!!! Which you should know, since I'm hoping you went to some sort of weather school or training before they put you on the air.

Thanks for letting me vent guys. Now get back to your snow angels and hot cocoa!

I am a Traitor

2010-11-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

My family is currently on our 5th generation of Auburn Tigers. When I was 18 I made the controversial decision to attend the University of Georgia. To those of you not well-versed in SEC history, the Georgia/Auburn rivalry is one of oldest and most bitter in the conference. So I've taken a lot of good-natured flack from my family since college. But my Auburn dad has always given me a ticket to the game when I could go, and we've always been taught that everyone has the right to cheer for their team, and have never publicly trash-talked the other fans, etc. which is way more than I can say for a lot of other team's fans (hello, LSU, Florida).

It was always really embarrassing for me to accompany my family to the Auburn/GA game hosted in Athens, dressed in my red and black, and hear drunk fans heckling my family members. I'm not saying every team doesn't have some of those fans. But I have often been to Auburn for this game, also wearing red and black, and never been treated half as rudely as my family was on our home turf.

Fast forward to 2010...I've suffered through a disappointing Georgia season. Meanwhile, Auburn is having an incredible undefeated season, a place in the SEC Championship game, and a shot at the BCS title game. I'm happy for them, and for my two brothers at Auburn.

My dad gave me a ticket to the Auburn game, and I wore my Auburn gear and had a great time tailgating with my Auburn friends and family. I was quietly rooting for my Dawgs and was proud of their showing at the game except for all the trash at the end which did come from BOTH TEAMS.

After the game, checking my facebook page felt like walking through a crowd of opposing fans...guys, keep that stuff off my wall, please. I know you didn't mean it personally, but it's hard not to take it that way. It's a lot easier to be the lone DAWG in a Tiger family when I'm proud of my own team and fans, and not being heckled by them for wearing a damn Tshirt.

LOVE YOU ALL!!!

Pants are not optional

2010-10-14T14:51:00.001-07:00

I'm halfway through the workday, and have already been flashed TWICE. By buttcheeks and cameltoe. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!!

One girl came into the office this morning in a dance leotard and hot pants (and I'm using the word "pants" in "hotpants" loosely). I assumed she was a resident coming in from the fitness salon, but no, she was wearing this outfit to prance around town looking at apartments!

The second girl came in wearing a long-sleeved shirt, boots, and black underwear. I kid you not. I saw her buttcheeks from the back and also now know exactly what kind of bikini wax she gets.

I know this is a big Lady Gaga trend, but she is a strange performing artist who also wears raw meat. Is this really the type of person you want to draw on for fashion inspiration? And it's not Halloween yet. So Ladies, have some self-respect...or at least think about the other people around you. There are "Gentlemen's Clubs" for this kind of thing.

INAPPROPRIATE.

xoxo,

April B

There's no place like home...

2010-09-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

Coming back to the South pretty often is the only thing that keeps me sane living in Hollywood. Here are some highlights from my trip:

My Mom, commenting on the new spotlights on the church across the street that also apparently shine into our windows at night: "I'd like to shoot their lights out. Do you think anyone would know it was me?"

Haircut from my stylist here. (I recently cheated on him with an L.A. colorist, but he forgave me.)

My dad using my new favorite swear word: "You-know-what-ers!" (same number of syllables, but safe for the ears of small children!)

A really good sweat on a really hot day for the first time all summer!

Attending an SEC conference game...no one does college football like the South.

The woman behind me at the game yelling "Aw, SHUCKS!!!" everytime we had a bad play, bad call, etc. It sounded way worse than the four-letter version.

Thunderstorm!

Catching up on all the small town gossip, who's pregnant, who's cheating, who got a DUI and magically no fines, jailtime, or consequences of any sort, and other scandals. The only thing the paparazzi has that this grapevine doesn't is photographic evidence.

Time with my best friends and family, and finally going to Friday night Mexican with Amy & Vilas.

Getting off the phone with work and my Mom telling me, "You have a different accent when you talk to those people."

Finding out I'm booked on a November shoot here in GA. I always feel better getting on the plane knowing when I'll be back home!

My favorite part of the VMAs

2010-09-12T22:11:00.000-07:00

I'm completely IMMUNE to Bieber Fever, so when he came on to do his thing at the VMAs, I put the TV on mute and my iPod on the WAY COOLER Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream" (note: I was on the treadmill). Juddy-buddy's choreography was strangely in sync with Katy's music...if you're really bored you should watch his performance on YouTube while listening to "Teenage Dream." It's really hilarious. What? You don't have "Teenage Dream" in your iTunes???? Okay fine. I listen to the same music as 14-year-olds. Except for Justin Bieber.

Oh, right! I have a blog

2010-09-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

My apologies to you little blog, and to my 15 followers, if any of you are still checking back after weeks of nothing. My Dawgs are taking a whipping from that (game) Cock Spurrier, but after I recover from that I promise more fun posts more often!

I'm breaking up with Nordstrom

2010-06-30T15:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Nordstrom @ the Grove,

Um, WHERE are the petite dresses? Who decided it was okay to eliminate that section? What am I supposed to wear to work now, PANTS???? This is not okay with me. Not cool at all. Way to discriminate against short people.

Grrrrrr,

P.S. If this is some manipulative plot to force me to use your alterations department, you can forget it.

De-coding Dress Codes

2010-06-21T11:51:00.001-07:00

I've always been under the impression that "dress code" was an attempt to help people choose an appropriate outfit and show up feeling like a million bucks, or at least wear something they knew would be in keeping with the event/restruant/party they are attending so as not to embarrass themselves or make others uncomfortable.

If you're from the South, you probably also had the added benefit of education by your mom/grandmother, even dad who would let you know in no uncertain terms if you were inappropriately dressed and would NOT let you leave the house until you were...(One of the most embarrassing incidents of my teenage years was my dad telling me he could see my PINK BRA through my dress and to either change that or the dress immediately).

Anyway, Dress Codes are apparently not what they used to be...instead of clarifying what to wear, they just seem to make it more difficult...here are some I've encountered just over the last year:

Dressy Casual (my favorite oxymoron)

Cocktail Casual

Hollywood Sexy (huh?)

Smart Casual

Casual Sophistication

"Festive" (this gives me nightmares)

Retro Cocktail Chic (is it a costume party?)

Smart Elegant

Texas Black Tie (belt buckle, spurs, cowboy hat with a tux? Maybe?)

Comfortable Cocktail (?)

I feel we could debate the meaning of any one of these for hours and come up with no solid answer.

No wonder celebrities have such a hard time on the red carpet these days.

Check one off my Fashionista Bucket List

2010-06-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have always had a "list" of look-enhancing things I want to try...it includes such things as laser treatments, mink eyelash extensions, super expensive beauty creams, etc. So naturally I was THRILLED when my stylist offered to put in hair extensions for my birthday. Those have been on the list for years.

Since Mark, the Stylist Extraordinaire, and I are separated by a continent and I trust no one else to touch my hair, I hesitated for a second when he broke out the glue...I've never done anything more permanent than highlights to my look and I like to be versatile. But I was really sure I wanted to try them, so he put them in and they looked amazing!!!

But then reality set in. The first time was when I washed my hair...it pulled and hurt like when your mama combs your hair when you're 5 and being bratty during bath time.

I then realized I had severely limited my hairstyling options to the two that don't show where the extensions are attached...down and low pony tail. Also, I can't air dry my hair because my real hair and the extensions dry differently. Bottom line...they're really fun, but the party's over and I want them out.

But alas, the extensions are not budging. Mark told me acetone and oil will break down the glue, so every time I wash my hair I attack them with nail polish remover and a hot oil treatment. So far, the extensions are winning. I know eventually they will surrender. I just hope they don't take the hair they're attached to with them (although Mark assures me this will not happen).

So the verdict is that I love the extensions, but in a hot-summer-fling sort of way. And right now, baby, I need my space. If I can ever disentangle myself from this relationship, I will definitely stick to the clip-in kind next time. Because at the end of the day, the version of me I love the most is me au naturale.

**This experience has definitely settled the "should-I-or shouldn't-I-get-a-boob-job" question once and for all.

Comfy sweats with Zippers: an Oxymoron

2010-05-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Chi Blackwood for today's topic...I love requests!

So this is sort of a debate. Are sweatpants still sweatpants if they have zippers?

Fortunately, the manufacturer, J-Crew, has provided us with the proper nomenclature for this: "the Un-sweatpant."

The "un" apparently referring to the slimmer cut of the pant and ankle zippers.

Because who hasn't sometimes wished, "Geez, these sweatpants are really comfy but I wish there was some way I could make them TIGHTER."

Leggings perhaps? Or stick with your sweats. Because these pants are confusing...and kinda fugly.

How to shop at Target and look like a Million Bucks...

2010-05-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

After I discovered this disturbing garment in Target, I really felt it needed to be addressed:

(and I apologize for it's sideways-ness, but I am not yet adept in the ways of the macbook...besides, this angle is slightly less offensive :-)

I can't even address this right now....I've called for a boycott of these particular leggings, and thanks to all of you who have joined my cause.

But I get it...we are in midst of a recession, and if you have money to buy new clothes to begin with, you're probably headed to some of the less expensive sources.

So...for those of you on a limited budget who want to get the most for your money, here are my guidelines for shopping cheap without looking that way:

1. If you are shopping at a major chain, i.e. Target, Old Navy, Gap, or any outlet, DO NOT BUY PRINTS. All of these stores only have about 5 prints at any given time, so if you wear it you're extremely likely to run into others who are wearing the same thing...especially because these types of stores are all over the country and have the SAME things no matter where you are located. Plus, everyone who shops there will recognize it, even if they didn't buy it too.

2. Save around 10% of your clothing budget for a tailor. That's the difference in looking passable and looking amazing!

3. Try to buy solids in basic colors and use accessories to change the look up...necklaces, earrings, purses, shoes, tights, (knee-socks, anyone? :-) can define the formality of the look more than your actual dress, skirt, whatever. Bonus: most people won't recognize your basic black dress or top when it's paired with something totally different than you wore it with last week.

4. Fabric is really important...you can get away with less expensive denim, cotton, and some knits. But don't try to buy a formal gown or a silky top at one of these stores. That cheap silky stuff screams "cheap silk-imposter polyester!!!" If the fabric looks cheap, move on.

5. TRY IT ON BEFORE YOU BUY... and check to be sure the garment is properly lined, seams and hems are straight, buttons properly attached, etc.

****And for the love of all that is holy, DO NOT BUY THOSE LEGGINGS*****

Happy shopping!

I'm quoted!!!!

2010-05-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited that stylist extraordinaire Catherine Collins invited me to contribute to her blog this week!

The topic...Wife Beaters. Are they sexy? Catherine says H to the No. I say yes, but with a HUGE disclaimer.

Read what we came up with here.

Because if anyone is an expert on who can and can't pull off a Wife Beater, it's your resident small town Southern Belle, right?

Here are the Cliff's notes of guide:

1. Do not accessorize the wife beater...i.e. chains, medallions, and sideways baseball caps.
2. Groom yourself. If you're a hairy guy, then find another style.
3. You must be in great shape: no excess fat, no excess skinniness, and visible abs, shoulders, biceps, and lats.
4. Wife Beaters are only acceptable at the gym or if you are doing a manly chore for your lady (changing the oil, fixing the car, assembling a piece of furniture, mowing the lawn, etc.).
5. No stains, holes, rips, or tears (unless they were sustained from one of the above manly chores).
6. The only acceptable colors are black, white, or gray. No logos, and PLEASE no neon!
7. If you have any doubts about whether or not you can pull it off, then follow your instincts and don't!

I only personally know about 5 guys who can pull this off, and even most of those elect not to, so proceed with caution.

xoxo,

April

The one for Joe Spina

2010-04-30T11:56:00.001-07:00

It takes a real man to admit he reads a Fashion Blog...so this is for (and inspired by) my buddy and pretty awesome guy, Joe Spina.

On a fun night out a couple of weeks ago, someone whipped out a camera for a quick photo. My natural reflexes kicked and and I immediately whipped out my compact.

Joe: "Are you powdering your nose before a picture?"

Me: "Um, always!!"

And I'll always do a lipstick check too. Because, people, this is the age of Instant Facebook Tags.

***Stay tuned ladies, Joe also revealed to me his list of top ten sexy body parts on a woman, which I will feature in an upcoming blog.
And NO, boobs did not make the list. xoxo, Joe!

How to wear JLeggings

2010-04-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

JLeggings are that awful hybrid of leggings trying to masquerade as pants by appearing to be really, really, really tight jeans.

Until now, my official view on all things concerning leggings has been: "I have nothing against leggings as long as I'm not being forced to see every nook and cellulite-induced cranny of your backside...PLEASE just wear a long enough shirt to cover those issues..." Translation: jleggings are not the answer.

But Y'ALL...I bought a pair last week. YES you read right. I KNOW I CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER. But I promise they work. And after extensive research in front of a three-way mirror, here is why:

1. The fabric is actual denim with just enough stretch that they don't need a zipper. The acceptable ratio is 95% cotton/polyester (read: denim for those of you that didn't take TEXTILES 101 in college) 5% or less lycra/spandex.

2. A Dark Wash...hides your VPL, and any lumpiness :-)

3. It comes in a number size. As in 2, 4, 6, etc, NOT xs, small, med, etc.

4. They are not too tight, small, or short...to ensure the right fit check for muffin top and length (at least to your ankle bone).

Okay, leggings, you win this one.

Another Postscript...

2010-04-04T20:29:00.000-07:00

Club #314 is up to their old tricks again. (And I wish I could take credit for the nickname, but that is actually the name of their wireless network).

Last night my room was literally shaking with their music, so I went out on the porch to ask them to turn it down a little. Not OFF, just down, and preferably not RIGHT NEXT TO MY BEDROOM WALL. I've actually never asked them to be quiet before in the entire 2 years I've been here...

Here is our conversation:

Me: "Hey can yall turn that down a little? My bedroom is next to your speakers and I have to get up early tomorrow."

Chubby Girl: "Um, it's a party."

Me: "Obviously."

Chubs: "You can come!"

Me: "I'm kind of already there. I don't mind the party but just turn it down or move your speakers please. I have to get up really early, and your apartment isn't that big, I'm positive you could still hear it."

Jerkface Guy: "Well, its a BIRTHDAY party."

Me: (Blank stare)

Jerkface: "I can turn it down but I can't promise it will stay down. I mean, I don't live here, but this is a BIRTHDAY party."

Oh, excuse me. It's a BIRTHDAY party. Well, in that case.....don't mind me or my wanting to sleep or anything. But shame on you, #314, for throwing your friend a tacky apartment birthday party. My friends would never do that to me.

Postscript to "Ode to THE SWEATER"

2010-03-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

Today is five weeks ago to the day that I lost THE SWEATER on an airplane.

And today, here I sit in 11F, the exact seat where I left it. I kid you not. Airtran is mocking me and my carelessness. I actually did a quick search as I took my cursed seat, hoping I would see it, but it's really gone.

What are the odds???

Trash Red

2010-03-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

I first noticed this disturbing trend on Valentine's Day...at the bar in a very nice sushi place. I looked around and saw three women wearing various versions of this horrendous color I refer to as "TRASH RED."

I'd add a pic here, but due to variations in color in photos, lighting, and screen, I don't want to risk insulting the other shades of red. I'll just describe it as everything that can go wrong with red all rolled into one eye-offending shade: orange-y, cheap, faded, bad fabric...just vulgar.

It also makes the wearer appear cheap, vulgar, trashy, and easy. And much like an eyesore home in a ritzy neighborhood brings down property values, TRASH RED brings down any sort of label status your other garments may have. Prada, Chanel, Oscar de la Renta, Louis Vuitton...bah! You are no match for the TRASH RED.

I was sort of hoping these ladies were misguided in their attempts to theme out their outfits to match Valentines Day. But alas, I should have realized that three random girls in the same room wearing that exact shade was more than a coincidence. As I feared, TRASH RED is now a trend and many TRASH RED garments are being produced and are available to the public en masse.

Do not fall this ladies...I don't care how classy you are, no one can pull this off. The TRASH RED will make you look like a hussy.

To Compliment or Not to Compliment...

2010-03-14T21:31:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of BAD FASHION out there (and I use the term "fashion" loosely).

I know most people don't set out to look bad, but unfortunately many do...so when someone nails it, I really try to go out of my way to compliment them, to encourage more of the same.

Yesterday at the gas station, this cute girl was pumping gas and at first glance, I thought she had a super-cute, classy little Audrey Hepburn ensemble going on. Little black ballet flats, a black cardigan buttoned with the hem of a bright turquoise top peeping out to brighten things up, fitted black pants...WAIT, ARE THOSE LEGGINGS???????!!!!! AHHHH!!!! (and I could see her butt-crack outline. HORRORS.)

So, 3/4 of her outfit was totally cute, but I withheld the compliment due to the one-layer-over-the-bum violation. As many a belle will tell you, leggings do not stand alone as pants.

Then later I felt guilty, because aside from that it was one of the cutest going-to-the-gas-station/running-errands looks I've seen here. After all, the standards for that sort of thing out here on the West Coast are pretty low. I mean, at least she was DRESSED.

Was I too harsh?

Oscar Notes

2010-03-07T22:08:00.000-08:00

Things I would like to ban from next year's Awards show Red Carpets:

Shoes with ankle straps

Black dresses

Dresses that match the wearer's skin tone

Rain

Politics

Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your...

2010-03-03T16:29:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make: I check out other girls' racks. Like, so much that I really couldn't get mad at a guy I was dating for doing the same thing. (Note to potential suitors: Its still a good idea to be discrete if you do it while you're with me. xoxo) I don''t think that we have the same motivation for checking them out, but I understand where poor dude is coming from.

I have no issues with my own assets, but I am really fascinated with girls who have huge breasts, real or faux, and that REALLY PUT IT OUT THERE. And then get mad at you for staring...

I saw two girls today while I was hiking, whom I'm 99.999% sure paid for their cup size (possibly a buy-two-get-two free scenario?) and had on probably the same size sports bra that I was wearing. How can anyone not stare at that?

Faux boobs defy gravity in the weirdest way...I can't help but wonder when they lay down at night if those things sit at attention as perkily as they do in their obviously unneccessary push-up bra. And most of the boob jobs I've seen have this odd crater-like cavern between them instead of normal cleavage. Famous people who can afford good doctors still come out looking like that...why don't they fix it? Is it just a hazard of shoving 5 lbs of silicone in a space created for 1lb of flesh, or was the doc just having an off day?

And why do girls who have fake boobs always flash everyone and invite everyone to touch their breasts when they get drunk at parties? Keep them to yourself ladies!!! Just because you paid $$$$ for them doesn't mean you should show them off to the world like you would a Tiffany bracelet. Although I've never taken any of these girls up on their offer to actually touch them, I DO have this inexplicable urge to poke one...will it pop? Bounce back? Break my fingernail?

I'm also amazed by women, faux or natural, who don't wear a bra but clearly need one. I could arguably get away with the no-bra thing for the most part, but wear one out of a sense of modesty and decency. Please don't advertise that you are wearing no underwear girls!

I saw another girl (they were OUT and ABOUT today, apparently) with what I'm fairly sure was natural size E or F or some such, and she had on a super-tight Tshirt that said HOOTERS in huge letters across her hooters. (Note: it was not a Hooters uniform nor were we in any close proximity to that restraunt).

I'm sorry, I have to stare at that. Just, WOW.

Faux-Real?

2010-02-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

Last night I saw a girl in purple sequined ankle boots. As she walked past, I noticed a red sole and got really excited that they could be Louboutins. AND THEN, I saw the price-sticker residue marring said red soles. I am not kidding.

Can we just stop wearing fakes? If you have a real Gucci purse, then you are "that girl with the Gucci bag." Cool. Good for you. If you have an amazing no-label bag, then you're still "that girl with the gorgeous purse." But, if you have a faux Gucci, then you immediately downgrade yourself to, "that girl with the fake purse" and everyone will judge you. This is L.A., people. We know our labels.

Which girl do you want to be in this story?

Ode to The Sweater

2010-02-20T19:06:00.000-08:00

February 15, 2010 is a day that will live in wardrobe infamy for me....it's the day my beloved cashmere sweater disappeared.

This was not just any sweater, it was The Sweater. Ladies, you know what I mean. That clothing item you'd run back to rescue if your house was on fire. It's irreplacable.

The description I entered into the online lost'n'found for Atlanta-Hartsfield International airport (Yes, I reported it missing. I'll never give up hope of being reunited with The Sweater) reads: "black long-sleeved cashmere sweater with one hook-and-eye closure and a Nordstrom tag." But it was so much more.

The Sweater was one of the first really expensive garments I bought when I got my first "good job." One of the most classy and versatile items I owned, it became a centerpiece in my wardrobe around which all my other outfits rotated...that sweater could complement anything. In the winter it doubled over a camisole as a top, and worked with skirts or jeans. In the summer it kept me cozy in frigid movie theaters and restraunts. It was soft, kept it's shape, and NEVER itched or pilled. I'm sure I'll never find another sweater like it.

I don't know exactly what happened to it, but the last time I remember having it was on the airplane to Atlanta. In my darker moments, I imagine that it may have fallen into the hands of the lady involved in the Coke vs. Arizona Tea disaster, or the klutzy flight attendant (instigator of said incident). But I prefer to imagine that The Sweater found it's way onto the back of someone really worthy of it, such as Victoria Beckham, the future winner of Project Runway, or at the very least, a fellow fashionista who appreciates good cashmere.

Goodbye, beloved Sweater. I must attempt to replace you, but I will never forget you.

Oops....I think

2010-02-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

While on my most recent flight to Atlanta I got a coke from the flight attendant. As she handed it to me across the large woman in the middle seat, a little dribble occured during the transfer.

Although not completely my fault, I turned immediately to the woman to apologize and hand her a napkin....and she was sound asleep. I scrutinized the little coke-puddle on her white tee. It wasn't very big, and had already sort of soaked in.

I decided it would be really akward to wake her. What do you say? ("Excuse me Miss, sorry to disturb your nap, but in additon to waking you I just wanted to let you know I spilled coke all over your blouse."). So I just drank the coke really fast and got rid of the incriminating cup as fast as I could, way before she woke up.

Shortly before we landed, she DOUSED my pants and coat with her Arizona iced tea. She apologized profusely and offered me 2 napkins that disappeared immediately into the puddle on my seat.

I get it lady. Sorry. You got me good. I hope you feel better now.

And I hope that coke stain doesn't wash out!

Congrats to the Saints!

2010-02-07T18:58:00.000-08:00

I was pulling for y'all based on:
My love of the fleur di lis
My love of your city
Your gold helmets and pants (the classiest and coolest football uniforms in the NFL)
...and who doesn't love a good, tear-jerking, inspiring a city-getting-back-on-its-feet story?

Perspective and inappropriate analogies

2010-02-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

Why, when you are going through a really stressful time in your life, is it okay for people attempt to comfort you by saying something like, "Well, it could be worse, think of all the children starving in Africa," or something similar that has absolutely nothing to do with your situation. Has that statement EVER made anyone feel better?

Also, why, when your superiors are going through a very stressful time at work, is it definitely not okay to say something like, "Well, it could be worse, think of all the companies that actually went out of business this year."

I'm just wondering. I didn't actually say that. Out loud.

Miss America 2010

2010-01-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I strutted my tanned, toned, tucked, pulled, squeezed, and sprayed stuff on a pageant stage, but I still watch Miss America religiously. Here are my thoughts, musings, and comments on this year's show:

Miss America's camo-military dress worn as a shout-out to the troops was henious. I appreciate the thought, but couldn't they just drape her in a flag or something?

You can always count on Miss Hawaii to dance the hula.

It's not a talent competition without someone singing "O Mio Babbino Caro"

Yay for all the cute blondes in the finals!

# of Top Ten that turned their onstage question into a "Why I'd be a great Miss America" monologue: 3

Thank goodness most of them have stopped turning themselves orange with tanner.

Singing still seems to be the "fall-back" talent...but dancers are definitely more entertaining to watch.

Damn! I was pulling for Miss Tennessee...but congrats Virginia! Have a great year!

***And I really think this song (while I freely admit to loving it in this post) was kinda inappropriate for the finale song of a pageant with so much talk of being role models and such...

The Best of Sky Mall

2010-01-26T22:31:00.000-08:00

After all the cross-country flights I've done over the last year and a half, I can't believe it took me this long to pick up a copy of Sky Mall. Here's some of the awesome products I've been missing out on:

The Slanket (the Snuggie's trashy cousin?)
The Indoor Dog Restroom (fake grass on top of a tray)
Wrist cell phone carrier (strap your cell phone to your wrist?!)
Potty Rock (again for dogs)
Litter Kwitter--potty train your cat!
Footed Pajamas

Dang. If only I'd discovered this before Christmas...

Golden Globes

2010-01-18T09:29:00.000-08:00

Since there are about 589 versions of The Best/Worst Dressed List for the Golden Globes, I'm not going to put another one out there. I just have two notes:

Please stop wearing beige dresses...especially if you're white (in the Caucasian sense, not as in I-really-need-a-tan. Pale is the new tan :-)

I'm really over Halle Berry looking AMAZING all the time. It's honestly getting a little dull...shake it up for the SAG awards Halle. I challenge you to to fashion-disasterdom! There has got to be at least one dress in this world you can't pull off...find it! If not, at least go a few sizes to small.

Miley is sooo 2009...

2010-01-11T10:18:00.000-08:00

Queen Miley reigned supreme in 2009 with "Party in the U.S.A."

Admit it...you pretended to think it was annoying but you secretly downloaded it and rocked out in your car by yourself, and you know every word.

But even the most catchy tween-pop songs can get overplayed, and we now have a new embarrassingly awesome jam to love but pretend to hate for 2010.

This song.

The video is horrendous, but I dare you to get this song out of your head.

Also, does anyone else think this chick vs. Avril Lavigne would be the best girl-fight ever?

2009 College Football Season Obituary

2010-01-07T21:15:00.000-08:00

This football season started optimistically for me, and quickly turned ugly. My Dawgs tumbled from their precariously high perch in the rankings early in the season, and my secondary love Auburn soon followed...the downward spiral continued throughout the fall until I finally found myself today in what my family would consider the 7th Circle of Hell, A.K.A. 5 hours trapped in an airplane full of Bama fans.

The final nail in the coffin, so to speak, is giving up precious sleep time my poor jet-lagged body craved to watch Alabama win a national title. Yes, I'm "going rogue" as an SEC fan in not pulling for my conference, but I was trained to hate Alabama from early childhod, much the same way I imagine the Isrealites and Palestinians train their young, so I really have no choice.

R.I.P. 2009 Football Season...you will not be missed.

Happy New Year

2009-12-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

This New Year's Eve, celebrate with me the end of a decade of the WORST NYE accessory ever:

Happy 2010 everyone!

Puzzle this out with me...

2009-12-20T12:38:00.000-08:00

Today I was standing in an uncharacteristically long line at the ATM, and I used the time to ponder the fashion statement of the woman in front of me. It was actually more of a run-on sentence than a statement:

Air dried virgin hair=granola

Faux coach purse=cares about labels, or maybe a gift from a friend who recently went to NYC or somewhere else similarly famous for selling knock-off bags to overly-eager tourists.

Claw clip attached to purse strap= (I have no translation for this one...it gives me a headache to ponder)

Belted no label jeans circa 1995=I don't shop

Sketchers with green laces=closet shoe shopper

So do I have this translation right?

"I'm a granola girl who doesn't care about clothes, except maybe shoes and purses, but I would NEVER admit to that...I also have friends who give really crappy gifts."

This is the fashion equivalent of those cars that are quite entertaining to be stuck behind at a long traffic light, because the driver has felt the need to express their views to the world via bumper sticker on religion, politics, sports, and while they're at it, also let you know what school their child attends and that he/she made honor roll.

Whew! Let's keep it simpler, shall we?

Is this OCD?

2009-11-11T17:58:00.000-08:00

So I was sitting by this girl in class today, and her hairy legs were REALLY bugging me. I couldn't concentrate the whole time, I could only think about how I wanted to wax her legs. Not personally of course. But I definitely wanted to arrange to have it done.

Does anyone else worry about other people's personal hygeine habits? Its just the Mother Teresa in me, I guess.

I'm thinking of breaking up with Juicy...

2009-11-05T08:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Juicy Couture,

I love you. I really do.

But it's me or the henious romper.

Think long and hard about this before you answer me, JC. Do you really want to throw everything away over a tacky little fashion fling?

You choose.

xoxo,

April

DIY Skank-o-ween Costume

2009-11-03T18:34:00.001-08:00

Most girls actually dress alike on Halloween...as a skank. They feel creative or different ("I'll be a SEXY Disney Princess...how ironic! I'm so clever!"), but their costumes all look alike as they seem to be a skanky version of some sort of fictional character or animal.

If you're interested in being a Skank version of your favorite fictional character or animal next year, here is the formula head to toe:

1. Get a wig that matches your character's hair, and add a tiara, antenna, etc. as required.

2. Apply makeup as though you are auditioning for a part as a hooker, and then add 25% more. Be sure to use false eyelashes and tons of glitter.

3. If you are a character, buy the dress and cut it as short as possible. I saw more butt-cheeks on Hollywood Blvd. on Halloween than I imagine one would see in a strip club, so there's no limit to how short you can go! Underwear optional.

4. If your character doesn't have a dress or you are a skanky animal, buy a skimpy leotard.
If you run out of time, don't worry, you can always be-dazzle your favorite push-up bra. Add a too-short tutu or skirt. Although, Halloween 2009 seemed to continue Lady Gaga's no-pants trend.

5. Legwear: Fishnet thigh-highs. Bonus points for neon colors.

6. Don't forget your 6" platform stripper heels!

Last minute mirror check: Can you see both cleavage and butt-cheeks? Great! Now step outside...are you freezing? Good! You're all set!

I take back what I said about pants being the devil...this is waaay worse.

2009-10-18T23:53:00.000-07:00

I've been catching up on www.gofugyourself.com and am really concerned about all the misuse/abuse of pantyhose & tights. I am a huge fan of hose and tights, but this is all very grandmotherly...in, like, every other photo. Look and learn from the mistakes of others.

I am even more concerned that the new Hollywood trend is RIPPED TIGHTS or LEGGINGS. Ripped horizontally of course. Presumably to let the world know that no, in fact that is not a run, and that your legwear is ripped up on purpose because you are just that avant-garde.

Pssst...Blake! Your hairstylist HATES you.

2009-09-20T21:18:00.000-07:00

Honey, your hairstylist totally has it out for you.

Your dress and yourself are super hot. That dress deserves way better hair.

Instead, we have an unfortunately placed ponytail that evokes a conehead effect, and then it's BRAIDED??? WTF???

And it's not even a good braid...it's all messy and coming loose and really needs to be re-done.

Actually, NO. Don't. Just take it down and shake it out. Shake it off, and move on down that carpet. After you fire your hairstylist...

A straggly, messy braid? At the Emmys? Seriously???

To the Manager of Big Wangs Hollywood

2009-09-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Big Wangs person-in-charge-of-the-TVs:

First, kudos for putting the UGA game and TX game on side by side, with the AU game adjacent, so my friends and I could all sit at the same table together in peace as none of us were playing each other this week.

But I'm really going to need you to keep the sound on one of the games as long as there is a college football game going on.

And please, do not ever again under any circumstances, put the sound on a homo-erotic wrestling match featuring grown men wearing speedos, oiled up and writhing around in sexually-suggestive positions.

Actually, it would be awesome if you just wouldn't put this gay-porn-disguised-as-a-sport on any of your TVs ever again.

Xoxo,

Me

Pick-up Lines that don't work...

2009-09-18T15:52:00.000-07:00

...but are there any that do?

All of these have actually been said to me or one of my friends, in the last couple of weeks...

"You have a boyfriend? Oh, I have a girlfriend too, but for you, I could forget her."

"When you walked in the door, I saw a halo around you."

"You are a very attractive human being...I hope you get the part."

"You already have dinner plans? Then cancel them."

"I'd really like to f*** you."

Yikes.

I recommend introducing yourself and offering to buy her a drink. I promise this will produce much better results than any of the above.

But for the Grace of God...

2009-09-17T10:00:00.000-07:00

I managed to almost kill about 6 people during my 10 minute, 1.5 mile drive to work this morning, including:

Guy that waits til my light turns GREEN to cross. (At least he gets the whole crosswalk thing. A lot of people here don't. He just has it backwards.)

Guy riding his bike down the middle of the road, and occasionally veering directly into oncoming traffic.

Camo-wearin' shopping cart pushin' neighborhood scary guy that doesn't do sidewalks. Ever.

Chick walking her dog & apparently completely oblivious to the sound of my gated garage opening and my car engine.

God obviously wants to keep these people alive. Their work here is not done.

The Virtues of Dresses (or the Evils of Pants)

2009-09-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

First, I'd like to point out that for thousands of years women wore dresses. This pants thing has only been going on for the last 50 years or so.

Also, the people who encouraged women to wear pants are the same ones who thought burning our bras was a good idea. Does that sound like a group of people capable of giving sound fashion advice?

Dresses & skirts are just simpler & sexier. As long as it's not too tight, short, or see-through, you are good.

Pants on the other hand...there are so many things that can go wrong I can't even list them all here. Just look around next time you're in public and you'll see what I mean. Play it safe, ladies!

Fashionista goes to Confession...

2009-09-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time telling the rest of you how to dress on this blog. Recently, one of my BFFs told me she was afraid I was going to feature her in a future blog because of a fashion faux paux and it made me feel a little guilty. (First of all, I would never be that obvious!) Especially if you're a BFF, I'd pull you in the corner and straighten you out in private if you needed it.

But I also felt guilty because well, I'm not perfect either. My confessions:

1. Overdone makeup, particularly Eyes & Lips.
It makes me feel quite Marilyn-esqe. And Marilyn is my absolute favorite, and I aspire to emulate her in all areas. (except for the OD of course).

Oh, and I also like those really bright pinky-coral lipsticks that only grandmothers wear...

And also, whenever someone does my makeup for a shoot or whatever, my first instinct is to run to the bathroom and add extra mascara and a bright lipstick. OKAY, moving on...

2. I overdress for almost everything...work, church, the grocery, going out. I dress up on airplanes. I wore a black dress and heels to a sports bar last Saturday. I fancy myself to be setting an example in an increasingly overly-casual world. A lone voice crying out in the wilderness, if you will...

3. UGGS 4-EVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With everything.

4. I hate belts. I'm pretty sure there is a rule about wearing belts with pants with beltloops if your shirt is tucked in or some whatnot, because my college roommate used to always try to make me wear one. But I've spent so much time telling myself that's stupid, I've succeeded in believing my own lies.

5. Overaccessorizing. I know Chanel said that after you dress, look in the mirror and take off one accessory, but its SO HARD. And that's SO BAD for me, because as Instyle is constantly reminding me, this could "overpower my petite frame."

6. I wear high heels with minis and teensy, tiny little shorts. Supposedly this places me in grave danger of looking trashy & cheap. I say its the shape of your legs and the quality of the heels that count!

7. Cleavage at work...and church. I know. Inappropriate. BUT, I'm doing it with an A-cup. I consider it an accomplishment that I can even create cleavage with my assets at all, and I'm too proud of myself to worry about it being a faux paux.

8. VPL. Sometimes. But I only do this in black. Black forgives a multitude of sins.

So, I'm not perfect. I actually happen to think it can be very chic to find a rule YOU can break and make it your signature, i.e. my eyes/lips overkill thing.

Just know if I think you can't pull it off, I will call you out :-) In a nice way of course.

The Laws of Footwear

2009-08-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

To be fair, I must preface this blog by saying:
I will wear UGGs, knee socks, and too-high heels with everything until the day I die.

Random Footwear Observations I've made of late:

Wearing black ankle boots makes you look like a witch. Especially with skirts, shorts, or (saints-preserve-us!) capris.

Ankle boots of any other color only work if you are under 20. And really, not even then in my book. It's just that if you're under 20, you didn't live through the 80s, and we all know how young'uns these days insist on making their own mistakes. But the rest of you SHOULD KNOW BETTER. For shame!

Dark leather/faux leather/suede knee high boots look trashy on white girls unless they are worn with tights. Sorry, white girls.

ENOUGH with the gladiator sandals. They are henious and look like a jealous pageant dress-slasher got loose in your closet and attacked your shoe collection.

Flip Flops DO NOT go with everything. Please, for the love of God, stop.

Clear platform heels are for strippers only.

I'm not even addressing Crocs. You need more help than I can give, my friend, if you own a pair and have allowed them to see the light of day.

A friendly reminder that fall is upon us...

2009-08-23T09:04:00.000-07:00

OK darlings, we have about about two weeks until Labor Day...and we all know what that means right?

GET THE WHITE SHOES, PANTS, SHORTS, and heaven forbid DENIM OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM NOW.

I know it might still be hot, and maybe you just bought your white shoes on sale last week and want to get more use out of them, but it's just seasonally inappropriate after Labor Day. (That means you will look funny wearing it and people are talking about you behind your back.)

Please burn your white denim, especially if its a pair of skinny jeans.

And don't give me any sass about how these are old-school fashion rules that no longer apply...I KNOW you have something else to wear besides that WHITE pair of shoes or pants...I've seen all of the velvet & cords you've been wearing in July, and those knee high leather boots you insist on wearing during the summer.

Random Traveling Tales

2009-08-21T09:12:00.001-07:00

If you know me well, you know that I am NOT HAPPY on an airplane without the window seat.

So yesterday when my flight took off, I opened the window as usual to bid farewell to my beloved Atlanta.

At the sight of all the gorgeous green disappearing beneath me, I immediately experienced a nauseating wave of homesickness, and tears started pouring down my face...so I shut the window.

I composed myself, ordered a cocktail, and talked my hilarious seatmate into getting the same (Mango-Peach Fuze & Vodka is THE BEST). We got slightly tipsy and had a random conversations about trains in Germany (although I have never been on a train or been to Germany).

After two Mango-Peach Fuze Vodkas, I decided it was safe to open the window again. GOD NO. Again, I started crying because it was BROWN, and there were UGLY MOUNTAINS, and NO GREEN anywhere...

So I got another cocktail. Thank God for those. And for my hilarious seatmate (holla, Grethel!).

Might Airtran consider offering in-flight Xanax?

You know, for a person who maybe needs a really good nap, but can't sleep on airplanes, and is maybe just a tad upset that Airtran decided their suitcase was oversize, although said person has flown their airline with the same suitcase at least 8 times and had no problems with it? Could you guys look into that for me? Thanks! xoxo

I'm saying this as a friend...

2009-08-17T20:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Facebook Peeps,

I heart you all. But some of your status updates are TMI!!!

I'm telling you this because I care, like a good friend tells you when you have food in your teeth, or that your undergarments are showing, or that you should REALLY reconsider white skinny jeans.

Have you considered a diary?

XOXO,

Me

He was for real

2009-08-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Lifeguard: Hey cutie, where are yall from?
Me: My family's from GA, I live in L.A.
Lifeguard: Oh really? What part of Alabama are you from?
Me: Um, Los Angeles. CALIFORNIA.
Lifeguard: Oh, you meant, like, California!
Me: (fake laugh)
Lifeguard: Cuz, like I didn't know if you meant Lower Alabama. We got lots of people come here from there. L.A. Heheh.
Me: (Blank stare)
Lifeguard: So, did you drive?

Someone Please Give us a Reality Show

2009-08-07T06:43:00.000-07:00

People watching at Sweetwater Brewery...

Jen: Oh there are my friends in line!
Me: That girl's dress is so cute!
Jen: Really? Thanks! She's my PROJECT.
Me: Your PROJECT? Does she know?
Jen: Oh yes! She's fully cooperative.
Me: You do great work.

Traumatized

2009-08-06T19:37:00.000-07:00

Since 5pm today:

1. A man honked his horn at me & Jen on I-85, then proceeded to "honk his horn" at us if you know what I mean.

2. I went to the Saddest Happy Hour of my life...at a Brewery where they only serve Beer.

3. I spend the entire Sad Happy Hour thinking I had lost my phone. I found it, but am still very disturbed...until then I'd never considered the impact of losing my phone. I barely survived the traumatic texting incident of a few weeks ago.

I feel very vulnerable right now.

Dear Santa

2009-08-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

Dear Santa,

I know Christmas is 5 months away, but I have some things I really need before then.

1. A new iPod. Mine died. And you really can't expect me to endure 5 months of workouts without music to keep me motivated. Otherwise you'll have to bring me a new wardrobe a couple of sizes larger come December, and that's going to be really bulky in your sleigh, what with all the other stuff you'll be carrying. So it's really preventative measure.

2. Tickets to Britney at the Staples Center Sept. 23, 2009. I mean, that's not really something you can save for a stocking stuffer. Time is of essence.

3. One of those big, bling-y Juicy Couture key chains. See, I have this new job where I walk around with all kinds of keys all day, so the keychain is sort of like part of my outfit. It needs to make a STATEMENT. Plus, my regular keychain is full.

It's not asking for a lot, and it might make your workload a little lighter come Dec. 25. Its a win-win! Also, L.A. has the same weather all the time, so it will even FEEL like Christmas when you come.

Let me know what kind of cookies you want. I'll be waiting!

xoxo,

April

Safety Memo

2009-07-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Pedestrians,

First, let me applaud your efforts to Save the Earth, Fight Obesity, Reduce America's Dependence on Foreign Oil, or whatever other noble causes inspire you to choose to walk, bike, rollerblade, or skateboard rather than drive around the streets of Hollywood.

But I feel I must warn you. This has not been a good driving week for me, darlings.

Highlights include recieving a $50 parking ticket (expired meter, 2 minutes too late, but what do they care? The city of L.A. has an important memorial to pay for people! They need the funds!). I also rear-ended a MERCEDES. In the SAME DAY.

Also, I am blonde, a woman, easily distracted by shiny objects, fond of singing/dancing with the radio in my car, and am at the mercy of my blackberry at all times.

So be forewarned. This not the week to jaywalk in front of me or walk out at a 4-way stop. I cannot be trusted with your personal safety.

Xoxo,

Me

Matchey- Matchey

2009-07-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

So most of you know how I feel about exposed bra straps. Especially now, when Victoria's Secret has introduced this bra, there is really no excuse. I know we all have little slip ups (0r slip-outs, as it were) every now and then, but today I saw something totally new and it really concerns me.

Exposed Bra Straps with racerback tank. STRAPS. MATCHED. her hot pink skirt. I am not making this up yall. HOT PINK. MATCHING. BRA STRAPS. are not an accessory!

Dear, dear, dear. Oh, my. Oh my. Please make it stop.

Runyon Canyon

2009-07-15T20:46:00.001-07:00

In the absence of my beloved Piedmont Park, I've found a substitute in Runyon Canyon. It's not quite the same, but charming in its own little California way.

I was invited to go "hiking" at Runyon Canyon. This is quite possibly the first time my name and "hiking" were used together in a sentence. Hmmm, I had heard that hiking was quite the "in" thing to do here, but unsure if it was for me. Did I need to wear a backpack? Bring "gear"? My friends assured me that yes, in fact, I could wear regular workout clothes and be fine with just a water bottle, and so I agreed.

That day I learned several things:

1. "Hiking" means walking up a really big hill.

2. It's a really AWESOME view from up there.

3. I am much better at going up hill than downhill. Is that weird?

4. Apparently it is OK to go "hiking" in a string bikini top.

It's the little things

2009-07-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

Things that make my day, every day:

1. Mascara
2. Lip balm
3. SPF (preferably 70 or higher)
4. Lil' blue pods (yes, inside joke. Nope, not explaining if you aren't "inside" :-)
5. Bible
6. BRIGHT PINK lipstick
7. down comforter
8. Reisling
9. Ghiradelli
10. Starbucks
11. Blackberry
12. Naps
13. iPod
14. Letters from home
15. Calvin Klein (the cat)
16. Sunsets
17. Highlights
18. A great outfit
19. My pink furniture
20. Friends & family

Things I Ponder while on the Elliptical Machine

2009-06-17T22:40:00.000-07:00

1. Why do guys wear black socks with shorts to the gym? (or anywhere else, for that matter)

2. Why do people still wear those plastic-y workout suits that make them sweat? Hasn't anyone told them it's only water weight they're getting rid of, and that it only really works for wrestlers pre-weigh in?

3. Grunters. pssst...just take a couple plates off.

4. Why don't people re-rack their huge 45lb. plates when they are done? And why do they put the 50 lb. dumbbells back in the rack clearly labeled "5 lbs"?????

5. The unbelievably high Visible Tramp-Stamp Count.

6. Why the gym has yet to repair the 2nd Elliptical machine from the right on the first row, which has been broken for 4 months.

7. Was that Lindor Truffle really worth 10 extra minutes of cardio?

YES. It was :-)

Thumbs up, Thumbs down

2009-05-13T10:01:00.000-07:00

Kristen Chenoweth's sort-of autobiography is my new fave. (she's still pretty young, so hopefully she's got a few more yet-to-be-lived great stories coming!) This book seriously got me through the week...it's the book equivalent of a post-breakup pint of Haagen-dazs. It's really funny and just makes you feel better about life (and all the little parts of life that haven't exactly gone the way you planned).

I highly recommed :-)

On the other hand...

I tried a new mascara. This mascara. I have to say...it did not give me Great Lashes.

So what is UP with it being on every magazine's "This Season's Best Beauty Products" list? I'm not the cynical type, but am sadly now convinced that all ten spots on those lists are for sale.

This is the mascara equivalent of the Kardashians.

Why I love Kiefer Sutherland

2009-05-08T09:42:00.000-07:00

Aside from that fantastic indie Freeway, here is another reason Kiefer Sutherland is awesome:

Yes, he did

First, I love a good head-butt (as a few of my past uncooperative boyfriends will tell you).

There are also many times I have wanted to head-butt a fashion designer (the one responsible for skinny jeans, Vera Bradley, Zac Posen for this.)

Mr. Sutherland actually went there, probation be damned.

Bravo, Kiefer!

Not sure if I should go there, but oh well...

2009-05-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this by saying I am team Rihanna all the way.

But does anyone else find this black-tie football uniform the tiniest bit ironic as her first, ahem, post-incident appearance?

News Stories that should END

2009-05-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

How awesome would it be to turn on the T.V. next week and not hear anything else about:

1. The SWINE flu
2. Octomom
3. The Obamas' new puppy
4. Heidi & Spencer Pratt
5. Any sort of rain in the L.A. forecast...stop getting my hopes up, Dallas Raines.

How to get my vote

2009-04-30T10:34:00.001-07:00

Since becoming a California resident, I have voted issues from gay marriage to the size of cages for chickens, and I apprecitate that these are very important and relevant social issues. But let me tell you the issues I'd really like to vote on:

1. Install left turn arrows at all the major intersections.

2. Fix the broken parking meters, or don't give people tickets that park at meters that are broken!

3. Eliminate street sweeping days.

P.S. I'd also like an "I voted" sticker in my absentee ballot envelope :-)

Lil lesson in Southern pronunciation

2009-04-24T10:36:00.001-07:00

I had my pronounciation of "naked" corrected yesterday. By a relative stranger. Although the person correcting me was by no means an expert on grammar, I was still in no position to correct him or point out his rudeness in "correcting" me in the first place. But sweetie, I knew exactly what ah wuz sayin'.

Naked, or Nekkid? Those are two completely different words in the South.

Naked is what Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden before that unfortunate Apple incident. The David statue is naked.

Nekkid is a whole different thing. Streakers are nekkid. Vanessa Williams lost her Miss America crown over some nekkid pictures of her...

There is a difference, yes?

Are you still "Lost"???

2009-04-23T09:12:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the producers of Lost think so. Last night I got comfy on the couch to watch the next exciting episode of Lost...and instead I watched the 18,452nd we're afraid that you're still confused about the smoke-monster, hatch, and time-travel so we'll AGAIN explain the entire show to you again from the beginning catch up episode.

What is up with this? I'll admit Lost has gotten somewhat convoluded, but the previous seasons are available on DVD.

Writers, I've gotta tell you, it really feels like you either A) Think I am incapable of following 16 simultaneous plot lines, or B) You really don't know how the heck to tie up this show so you're stalling for more time. Or maybe your producers have gone waaaay over budget and had to fill tonight's time slot with a montage of stuff that's already been shot. Either way, America is becoming suspicious...

I do applaud you for at least switching formats. The documentary style of last night's show was a refreshing change from the previous pop-up video style re-runs.

But if you're gonna hype us up all week with teasers, we deserve better than a one-hour re-run of the entire series.

Miss USA

2009-04-22T09:44:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or do these girls look EXACTLY alike, except one has a blue dress and one has a white one?

So Perez, was that really necessary? One girl gets a super-polarizing question and the other gets one that EVERYONE can agree on...

Couldn't we have just flipped a coin here?

To the residents of #314

2009-04-20T11:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Apartment #314,

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but I just want to let you know my bedroom is on the other side of your living-room based nightclub.

Also, my bedroom window is right next to your balcony.

First, let's talk about your playlist:
1. Britney
2. Katy Perry
3. Pink
4. Fergie
SERIOUSLY??? I don't know you that well, but from occasionally sharing an elevator with you I gather you are in the post-college-but-no-one-told-me-the-frat-party-is-over stage of your lives.

I love me some Britney, but I think your playlist might be hurting your image and chances with the ladies, if you know what I mean. Also, I'm really over "I Kissed A Girl" ESPECIALLY at 4am on Tuesday morning.

And keep in mind that I am all up in yo biznass about all kinds of things I'd rather not be, especially when said things are happening on your porch.

You seem like nice people, and I'm sure you don't mean to keep me up at all hours of the night with your loudness and tacky colored porch lights. But try GOING OUT next time you're in the mood to party...its what all the kids are doing these days. You should really try it.

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm a really nice person, and if/when you allow me to recover from my sleep deprivation, I'm sure we could be friends.

But just keep in mind I also have an IHOME. With 2 speakers. That I'm considering aiming at your wall at 7am. I promise you I have an endless arsenal of Britney with which to pound your defenseless ears at 7am if you choose to ignore this warning.

Don't push me.

XOXO,

#313

Vests

2009-04-17T18:18:00.000-07:00

I don't really understand the vest.

I know that there is some functional reason that people wear them to hike or do other outdoorsy things. I know this because they sell them at R.E.I. and I don't think R.E.I. would ever be guilty of selling an item purely for fashion.

People get a pass with the orange safety vest, because I'm sure they don't want to get run over or shot, but at the same time don't want to wear an entire outfit in that henious color.

And I'm sure there is a reason men wear them under tuxes that although now forgotten, was known and understood back in 1775. I'm all for tradition.

But assuming someone's not hiking, helping school children cross the street, a groomsman, a cowboy, or the vest is NOT made of kevlar...why do people wear them? It just looks a little funny to me over a perfectly good shirt that was fine on its own...or heaven forbid, we're not wearing vests as SHIRTS on their own are we? Oh dear...

Pssst...get over your new carpet already

2009-04-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

I don’t get people who make others remove their shoes when entering their home. It's so inconsiderate. What if someone has embarrassing foot problems, i.e. odor, warts, fungus, or just really need a pedicure? Geez, people!

I mean, what is this particular carpet made of anyway? Cashmere?

First of all, your carpet is not as important as another person’s dignity. And I hate to break it to you, but no one notices your carpet…no one cares but you. And why do you care anyway? It’s carpet!! Its made to be on the floor, where people walk around. With shoes on. Deal with it. Or buy a cheap rug. Or don’t have guests over.

If you INSIST on embarrassing everyone that comes through your door by demanding they remove their shoes, or if you are a member of a culture or religion that is not really into people wearing shoes, at least give your guests a fair warning. You know, so they can wear nice socks, get a pedicure, or turn down an invite to a place where people are more interested in their carpet than their manners.

My Tweet on Twitter

2009-03-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

I’m sure I will be forced to broil these words, season them, and choke them down (as was the case with MySpace and Facebook) so I’ll keep this brief.

First of all, who named it “Twitter”???!!! For the sake of being politically correct (yes, as a California resident even I have now contracted the PC disease) I won’t go into all of the things that are wrong with it being named Twitter. But Twitter? Who EVER decided it was cool to sign up for something called TWITTER?

Second, the Twitter website actually says “Find people. Follow them.” Aw heck, go ahead and Stalk ‘em.

And do you really need another way to know that your best friend’s cousin that you only met twice in your life is “pumped about her awesome weekend”?

When I wanted to talk to a friend back in the day, I could A. call her on the good ole land line, or B. send her a letter. Now I have to decide if I want to call someone’s cell, or work, or email them (again, personal or work?), or MySpace, or Facebook them. Oh, or text. I would add IM into this SAT-worthy problem-solving exercise, except that I don’t have IM. Yes, I know, I am the last person on earth that doesn’t IM. Or Twitter. Yet.

Geez. Its enough to make a person crawl back into bed, put a pillow over your head, and plead to be left alone. OK, so don’t leave me alone, I love you all and want you to call, email, post on my wall, read my awesome blog, etc. Just, please, don’t Twitter me into joining Twitter.

Plan B?

2009-03-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else noticed anything a little, well, off about the Plan B commercials? (For those of you who haven’t seen them, Plan B is an over-the-counter morning after pill). Aside from the obviously disturbing fact that this product is even sold over the counter, here are a few little things I find strange about the ad:

All the girls are waking up ALONE in the comfort of their own fancy loft apartments. Where is the sketchy guy they hooked up with the night before that definitely can't afford child support? Or, preferably, their husband with whom they are not ready to have children?

They look way too pretty and unstressed…no one wakes up looking like that in the morning. Especially the morning after your birth control failed.

The scenes in the pharmacy…the girls walk in like they are picking up cough medicine. It seems like the stress & shock of "Oops! I might be pregnant and I don’t want a baby!" would show a teensy bit more.

However, I would rather see this commercial than that gross hairy armpit girl one.

Natasha Richardson

2009-03-19T08:04:00.000-07:00

I was so sad to hear of Natasha Richardson's death last night. She was a wonderful actress. My heart goes out to her family and friends during this time.

I got chills when I heard of her accident a couple of days ago; it reminded me so much of the recent ordeal of my Mother's accident over the holidays. In fact, the reported cause of death, an epidural hematoma, is EXACTLY the injury my Mother sustained in her bicycle accident.

My family and I are so fortunate that 3 months later, she is HOME! We were initially told she might not even wake up for a year, and there was no way to predict what condition she would be in when and if she did...

I'm reminded by this tradgedy that I have truly seen God perform an actual miracle, (Old Testament style!) for my mother and for me. And that He is in control no matter what...I'm grateful for what He did for my mother, and my prayers will continue to go up for Ms. Richardson's family and friends as they deal with her loss.

Office Appropriate

2009-03-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

I've rescued this oldie-but-goodie from my desolate, lonely, neglected MySpace blog...enjoy!

The overall stylishness of our country has been in a downward spiral since the 1950s. The office used to be a place where people still had some sense of pride in their appearance, but alas, the last stronghold of style and class in our country is slowly being toppled. Here are some simple steps YOU can take to reverse this trend and start dressing for success!!!

1. Claw Clips as a hair accessory. These have long since been relegated to a stylist's tool when performing a blow-out. You should not wear these outside of your house. Even if they have rhinestones. Especially if they have rhinestones.

2. Pant suits on women. Note: Check the rear view in a three-way mirror. Also, note pants hemlines and adjust accordingly. Also, bodies unfortunately do not stay the same size forever! Check your rearview every time you leave the house, not just when you buy the pants.

3. Suit rules: Hose are REQUIRED. I know you hate them, but I bet you also hate waking up before the sun to get to your suit-requiring job. And you do that anyway, don’t you?
When wearing a suit, makeup is also REQUIRED. I know, I know you “don't wear makeup”. Let’s try something new kids, you might even like it.
Dry hair (with a blow dryer) is REQUIRED. If you got up that late, what's another 20 minutes?
If you still think all of this is too much effort, then just do yourself and everyone else around you a favor and don't wear a suit.

4. Upon stepping off the platform after recieving your college diploma, lean over and remove the open-toe platform black sandals you've been wearing to bars/formals/etc.during college. Throw them in the trash and go directly to an established department store and purchase a pair of closed-toe neutral pumps. This is what you wear to work with your suit. (and dry, styled hair and makeup).

5. Buy a nice coat. No Northface at the office, please. (if you can wear it hiking or to a sporting event, then don't wear it to work).

6. "Casual" Fridays: Note the use of "casual" and not "sloppy". Wear a pair of dark denim jeans, preferably purchased within the last 3 years (after you check your rear-view, of course!) Shoes should be stylish flats or sneakers, not the kind you wear to the gym. Wear a cute top or sweater, no tees please. Rule of Thumb: Any pants, shirts, or shoes you would wear to clean or paint your house in are not casual office attire.

8. Don't mix and match. It sounds good in theory, but most people are really bad at the "match" part of the equation. Purchase outfits instead of peices.

9. Panty Lines. Yikes!

10. Wear a bra (appropriate in size, color, and support level).
Some friends of mine may be better "equipped" to give advice on this, but for starters:
NO WHITE. White shows up under white, check it out in the mirror under lights if you don't believe me. Buy something flesh toned, and please, save the lace for the bedroom. It makes these really funny looking bumbs under your blouse....and speaking of bumps under your blouse....
Padding is not just for the less-endowed. It is also great for keeping your personal body temperature a secret. And don't think no one is looking; believe me, everyone has noticed that you're cold! Bad bras will have people staring at you, and not in a good way. It's kind of like the way you can't help staring at a car accident. You know you shouldn't but it's so awesomely BAD you just can't believe it!
You wear a bra every day...spend the money and get one that does the job!

I promise taking the above advice is a really great career move :-)

Dorm Syndrome

2009-03-14T10:55:00.000-07:00

The onset of Dorm Syndrome is most commonly seen in females during the freshman year of college. Well-bred young ladies who wouldn't be caught dead walking past their living room window in P.J.s and curlers suddenly begin to roam the halls of their dorm to their hearts content, taking out the trash with wet hair, getting the mail in mis-matched sweats, and coming down to the main floor (gasp!) bra-less to meet friends for a study group. Most people recover their modesty and good fashion sense, but I seem to be having a relapse.

Because I only have to walk to the end of the hall to get to the trash chute and my mail box is a short elevator ride a away, it's way too easy to convince myself that no one will see me in my claw clip, scrub pants, and Tshirt when I'm leaving the apartment but not the building. Thing is, this is NOT Brumby Hall at UGA.

Does anyone else have this problem? Because I've started to notice that I never meet anyone else roaming the building in their pajamas or meeting the delivery man in the lobby with wet hair. Oh God! It's starting...I'm letting myself go!

War on the Skinny Jean...

2009-03-13T10:44:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday I purchased a pair of skinny jeans. Yes, friends, you read that correctly! I can hardly believe it myself.

I was finally forced into participation in one of the worst trends in recent years. How could did this happen, you ask? Well, it’s a long story, but involves “packing light” (which I’m convinced works well only for men), a hole in my favorite jeans in a rather inappropriate place, and last-minute, panic, I-only-have-time-for-one-store shopping trip. Talk about a recipe for a fashion disaster.

Would you believe EVERY PAIR of jeans in the store were skinny jeans?!? (with the exception of “mom-jeans” but we won’t even talk about those…)

And so I compromised, lowered my standards, and purchased the moderately-skinny pair, as opposed to the beginning-anorexic pair or the so-tight-they-might-as-well-be-really-thick-leggings pair.

It was truly a sad fashion moment for me in my lonely battle against the skinny jean.

I personally feel that they should be confined to a very small segment of the population, i.e. women (PLEASE, not men!), and preferably women who have no curves, have not had a baby, or are named Heidi Klum.

Another thing I’m really confused about in this skinny jeans trend is the whole “real women” or “big is beautiful” or “XYZ starlet is too skinny this week” movement…where are those people and why are they not speaking out against the skinny jean? Because making them in un-skinny sizes is NOT the answer people…

Cyber-Self-Esteem

2009-03-04T19:05:00.000-08:00

Awesome quote from my BFF since 3rd grade: “Facebook and MySpace are all about keeping your friends close and your enemies closer.” I have to admit she’s right!

In the past, most people had to wait until their high school reunion or rely on accounts from hometown relatives and friends to know who was married, divorced, cheating, had kids, or got fat. Now we can log on 24 hours a day and cyber-spy to our hearts content under the guise of an online “friendship.”

Facebook and MySpace give us an awesome platform from which to present ourselves to the outside world. You can upload only the best pictures of yourself, and use your status updates to proclaim to the world all of the awesome things that are happening to you (and if you’re smart, keep the not-so-great things to yourself). Then you can look up all of your “friends,” especially the ones you weren’t really friends with when you actually knew them in person, compare your profile to theirs, realize your life sounds way cooler, and pretend they are doing the same thing and wishing they had been nicer to you.

Is this healthy? Normal? Probably not. But I just can’t stop…and admit it, you were up until 2:30am last night too, comparing yourself to pics of your high school crush’s spouse and reassuring yourself that they TOTALLY missed out!

L.A. Law

2009-01-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

Police definitely have different priorites on the West Coast...for one thing, I have noticed there are no speed traps out here. Instead they are busy doing things like:

Chasing a blonde meth chick driving a stolen U-haul back and forth across the L.A. area for several hours. (High Speed police chases are really popular here).

Sealing off a block in North Hollywood with 10 rolls of crime scene tape, evacuating a condo, and blocking everyone in to investigate a "suspicious" package, i.e. a silver briefcase.

Training "safety ambassadors" in yellow shirts to ride bikes around town and reprimand people for, um, I'm not sure what?

Giving people parking tickets for incorrectly interpreting signs that say things like "No parking on Mon, Wed, Fri, from 8am-6pm, Sat. 6pm-6am, Street Sweeping Mon. & Thurs. 10am-1pm"

Enforcing the "Honor System" on the L.A. Metro with random checks to see who actually bought their $1.25 ticket before they got on the train. (Automatic $90 ticket if you didn't).

Headed South

2009-01-18T20:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited...this weekend I'll be flying home for a quick visit to Mom!

It seems like God is doing wonderful things for her this week...things we can actually see! I know that since Dec. 16 he has been working miracles in her healing, but up until now, they are things we couldn't see. He was healing her inside, healing her brain injuries, broken ribs, and doing all sorts of wonderful things, but they could not be SEEN. We've had to live out the definition of faith, believing the miracle before we could see it.

But now, God has rewarded our patience, and he is blessing us with outward signs that we can actually witness! I can't wait to be there myself!

I can't wait to hold my mother's hand and feel her squeeze it back, and to see her beautiful eyes open! I feel so blessed.

Hollywood Forever Cemetery

2009-01-10T14:35:00.000-08:00

I know it sounds morbid, but I actually like cemeteries. They have a quiet, peaceful feel, and looking at all the crazy/cool stuff people put on their memorials can be really interesting.

One of my favorite things about this cemetery was the peacocks! They have peacocks roaming around freely! I even got some pictures with one. The peacocks have their own house, with the door open so they can come and go as they please. Add "peacock house" to the list for April's dream estate.

Here are some of the famous people buried here that we visited:
Renee Adoree
Charlie Chaplin, Jr.
Iron Eyes Cody
Cecil B. DeMille
Douglas Fairbanks Sr. & Jr.
Joan Hackett
Norma Talmadge
Jonny Ramone
Mel Blanc
(OK, so I don't know who some of these people are, but the map says they were famous!)

It was also funny to see the more recent memorials...a lot of them are foreign (read: not southern) people and they all have their pictures engraved somehow on their tombstones!

We couldn't find everyone we wanted to see because the Mausoleums were really confusing to navigate with the tourist map. But we had a great afternoon. Most of the cemetery is very pretty and peaceful, and feels more like a park with gardens & lakes & ducks (and peacocks!). We recommend it as a place to visit when you come out to see us (hint, hint! :-)

If you MUST revive 80s fashion...

2009-01-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

Please have at least 2 layers over your bum if you are wearing leggings.

Please no shiny colored spandex...not even at the gym. (Yes, I have seen this)

Remember that it's not "Vintage" if it was previously worn by YOU!

If you were around for 80s fashion the first time, you've already had your turn. Let it go!

I actually recommend just not going there...let the 80s go and focus on turning over a new fashion leaf of fabulousness for yourself in 2009!

April in Hollywood

Susannah Stomping Diaries-12:51am 12/14/11

My 2nd Grade Christmas Journal Entries

Suannah Stomping Diaries 12.9 #3

Susannah Stomping Diaries 12.9

The Susannah Stomping Diaries #1

More from my 2nd Grade self

Sucks to be a garbage can

I was a literary child prodigy

If you're a boy you might want to skip this one....

Movin' on up

The people you meet at Starbucks (or on airplanes)

I will haunt you if anyone does this to me

I WILL wear a costume to your party

Tootin' my horn

Good Intentions...

The Birds and the Bees...

Oh, Kelly, No

Aunty April hosts a slumber party

Enough Weather-girl!!!

I am a Traitor

Pants are not optional

There's no place like home...

My favorite part of the VMAs

Oh, right! I have a blog

I'm breaking up with Nordstrom

De-coding Dress Codes

Check one off my Fashionista Bucket List

Comfy sweats with Zippers: an Oxymoron

How to shop at Target and look like a Million Bucks...

I'm quoted!!!!

The one for Joe Spina

How to wear JLeggings

Another Postscript...

Postscript to "Ode to THE SWEATER"

Trash Red

To Compliment or Not to Compliment...

Oscar Notes

Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your...

Faux-Real?

Ode to The Sweater

Oops....I think

Congrats to the Saints!

Perspective and inappropriate analogies

Miss America 2010

The Best of Sky Mall

Golden Globes

Miley is sooo 2009...

2009 College Football Season Obituary

Happy New Year

Puzzle this out with me...

Is this OCD?

I'm thinking of breaking up with Juicy...

DIY Skank-o-ween Costume

I take back what I said about pants being the devil...this is waaay worse.

More post-labor day white atrocities

Pssst...Blake! Your hairstylist HATES you.

To the Manager of Big Wangs Hollywood

Pick-up Lines that don't work...

But for the Grace of God...

The Virtues of Dresses (or the Evils of Pants)

Fashionista goes to Confession...

The Laws of Footwear

A friendly reminder that fall is upon us...

Random Traveling Tales

I'm saying this as a friend...

He was for real

Someone Please Give us a Reality Show

Traumatized

Dear Santa

Safety Memo

Matchey- Matchey

Runyon Canyon

It's the little things

Things I Ponder while on the Elliptical Machine

Thumbs up, Thumbs down

Why I love Kiefer Sutherland

Not sure if I should go there, but oh well...

News Stories that should END

How to get my vote